Joshua Alive
"Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone, but if it dies it bears much fruit."
John 12:24
Healing
"...And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~Anais Nin
"...And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~Anais Nin
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Thoughts and writings by those who have struggled to heal from abuse of all kinds.
Thoughts and writings by those who have struggled to heal from abuse of all kinds.
Blessed Olga, Tender Healer and Consoler of the Suffering is the patron saint for this site.
Blessed Olga lived in Kwethluk, Alaska from February 3, 1916 - November 8,1979. She seems to have a special vocation in healing those who have been sexually abused or raped. She has not yet been canonized, but may be in the next few years. To learn more about her, go to:
http://oholy.net/BlsdOlgaHome.html.
http://oholy.net/BlsdOlgaHome.html.
Memories: The Seen and Unseen
There is some controversy over false and true memories, at least when it comes to issues such as childhood abuse. This is not strange, because memories are often subjective; for example you can have three witnesses at one event, and when it comes to the some of the details, there could be a dispute over what truly happened. Sometimes when we see or experience something, whether good or bad, our immediate response is, "Did that really happen? Did my eyes deceive me?" This is In spite of the saying that, "Seeing is believing."
When it comes specifically to memories that are false, I believe that we can have or create them. For example once someone told me that she was the only one at a certain childhood event. The fact is that she was not there at all. I believe that it is possible that she has heard the story told so many times that she has accidentally placed herself at the actual event.
When it comes to incest in our family, I have always remembered some incidents. For example, I remember my dad fondling my breasts when I was about 13 or 14. He pulled me down on his lap and stuck his hand up my shirt. I felt totally humiliated and thought, "Dad shouldn't be doing this, but he doesn't understand that I'm becoming a woman now." In spite of my humiliation, I absolved him of any responsibility. Breast fondling is sexual abuse, and it can be just as traumatizing as a rape in some ways. Why? Because it crosses a boundary of privacy and sexuality. Breast fondling is foreplay. Foreplay and other sexual activity are designed to arouse certain feelings in people, both physical and emotional. Sometimes adults have trouble understanding these feelings. Imagine a child trying to make sense of them, especially when they have no choice in the matter, and the person touching them is much larger and perhaps someone they believe to be wholly good. When certain boundaries are crossed, especially by a parent, a child may begin to believe that there is no safety anywhere. And in a child's mind, when there is no safety, there is no hope. And when there seems to be no hope, a child will often negate themselves. Sexual abuse is designed to be hidden and the perpetrator only needs a few minutes. A child will often participate in the secrecy, either out of shame, being threatened, being told they are special, or any combination of these and other strategies the abuser uses to keep this source of sex available to feed their addiction. People who sexually abuse come from all walks of life and all divisions of society, have sex with a variety people, not just children. Very, very often they are someone from within the child's family, that the child already trusts.
In my healing journey for sexual abuse, I did not go looking for any memories. I have never been hypnotized, put into a trance, told to regress, or otherwise been manipulated by any of my counselors or therapists. No one asked me to dig around or try to remember anything. Much of my initial time in counseling/therapy was spent dealing with issues I was currently facing in my life having to do with marriage and family life. In fact, I cannot remember any of the psychologists, therapists, psychiatrists, or priests that worked with me telling me that I had been sexually abused. What I have been diagnosed with is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Those that have been on this journey with me, and those closest to me who know me the best, have also come to believe that I was sexually abused.
One website I have not completely perused, but that seems balanced and based on scientific research when it comes to memories is http://www.jimhopper.com/memory/. However, my experience of healing from abuse, like every other experience, has a spiritual dimension that cannot be simply dissected and cataloged by scientific formula or theory. There are things that exist, both seen and unseen. And there are things that are true, even if we do not believe in them.+
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There is some controversy over false and true memories, at least when it comes to issues such as childhood abuse. This is not strange, because memories are often subjective; for example you can have three witnesses at one event, and when it comes to the some of the details, there could be a dispute over what truly happened. Sometimes when we see or experience something, whether good or bad, our immediate response is, "Did that really happen? Did my eyes deceive me?" This is In spite of the saying that, "Seeing is believing."
When it comes specifically to memories that are false, I believe that we can have or create them. For example once someone told me that she was the only one at a certain childhood event. The fact is that she was not there at all. I believe that it is possible that she has heard the story told so many times that she has accidentally placed herself at the actual event.
When it comes to incest in our family, I have always remembered some incidents. For example, I remember my dad fondling my breasts when I was about 13 or 14. He pulled me down on his lap and stuck his hand up my shirt. I felt totally humiliated and thought, "Dad shouldn't be doing this, but he doesn't understand that I'm becoming a woman now." In spite of my humiliation, I absolved him of any responsibility. Breast fondling is sexual abuse, and it can be just as traumatizing as a rape in some ways. Why? Because it crosses a boundary of privacy and sexuality. Breast fondling is foreplay. Foreplay and other sexual activity are designed to arouse certain feelings in people, both physical and emotional. Sometimes adults have trouble understanding these feelings. Imagine a child trying to make sense of them, especially when they have no choice in the matter, and the person touching them is much larger and perhaps someone they believe to be wholly good. When certain boundaries are crossed, especially by a parent, a child may begin to believe that there is no safety anywhere. And in a child's mind, when there is no safety, there is no hope. And when there seems to be no hope, a child will often negate themselves. Sexual abuse is designed to be hidden and the perpetrator only needs a few minutes. A child will often participate in the secrecy, either out of shame, being threatened, being told they are special, or any combination of these and other strategies the abuser uses to keep this source of sex available to feed their addiction. People who sexually abuse come from all walks of life and all divisions of society, have sex with a variety people, not just children. Very, very often they are someone from within the child's family, that the child already trusts.
In my healing journey for sexual abuse, I did not go looking for any memories. I have never been hypnotized, put into a trance, told to regress, or otherwise been manipulated by any of my counselors or therapists. No one asked me to dig around or try to remember anything. Much of my initial time in counseling/therapy was spent dealing with issues I was currently facing in my life having to do with marriage and family life. In fact, I cannot remember any of the psychologists, therapists, psychiatrists, or priests that worked with me telling me that I had been sexually abused. What I have been diagnosed with is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Those that have been on this journey with me, and those closest to me who know me the best, have also come to believe that I was sexually abused.
One website I have not completely perused, but that seems balanced and based on scientific research when it comes to memories is http://www.jimhopper.com/memory/. However, my experience of healing from abuse, like every other experience, has a spiritual dimension that cannot be simply dissected and cataloged by scientific formula or theory. There are things that exist, both seen and unseen. And there are things that are true, even if we do not believe in them.+
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A teenage boy who became suicidal after being sexually abused by his wrestling coach: "I wondered, if I'd killed myself, would they add that to his sentence?" Another male victim of this coach became anorexic. (Cleveland Plain Dealer, 5/19/95)
http://www.silent-edge.org/quotes.html
"The idea is to rescue myself from the role of a victim. That I have a choice left. Though I can't change what has happened, I can choose how to react. And I don't want to spend the rest of my life being bitter and locked up."
http://www.dancinginthedarkness.com/articles.php?show=31&arc=151
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"Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise. "
Poet Maya Angelou
(victim of incest)
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http://www.enotes.com/famous-quotes/author/maya-angelou
Nine years earlier I had written [my dad] a long letter. “Did you ever wonder what my childhood looked like to me?” Well of course, he hadn’t, but I thought after hours of group and individual therapy—to inform him.
“You never knocked before you entered my bedroom. You commented often at the dinner table about my young breasts, and you tried to kiss me on the lips in a way that made me uncomfortable. . . . .you tried to peek at me when I was an adolescent, naked in the shower.” I didn’t feel safe. . . . He never touched me; he just looked……..My puberty was filled with yelling at my father to shut the door, holding a pink towel in front of myself……..I cut my pubic hair, but I could not also cut off my breasts, the forming curve of my hips.”
Natalie Goldberg, The Great Failure: My Unexpected Path to Truth
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"One of them, the younger, shorter one, began to discuss the particular difficulty men have at revealing experiences of abuse. The sense of of threat to one's masculinity, the struggle with sexual identity. The shame of feeling complicit. The denial. I stared at the carpet. The taller, dark-haired doctor chimed in. "I undertand what you've said, that you don't see what went on in your early adolescence as necessarily harmful. But, can you consider for a moment the particular violence, the trauma, inherent in a sexual act between an adult and a child. That inequality of power. Consider what it is for the natural bond of trust between a boy and an authority figure--a camp counselor, for instance--to be suddenly broken." I began to say that, yes, I could see that,. . . . ."
Martin Moran, The Tricky Part, One Boy's Fall From Trespass into Grace
"Every day, children are held hostage, terrified and abused in their homes. The abuse is physical, psychological, emotional, and verbal; just as it was in our home. When parents terrorize their children, the severe emotional child abuse is traumatic and invisible. A report by the Florida Center for Parent Involvement says, “Although emotional abuse can hurt as much as physical abuse, it can be harder to identify because the marks are left on the inside instead of the outside.”
Annie Green
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In order to survive, I split into a day child, who giggled and smiled, and a night child, who lay awake in a fetal position, only to be pried apart by my father. Until I was 24, the day child had no conscious knowledge of the night child. During the day, no embarrassing or angry glances ever passed between my father and me....because I had no concious knowledge of what he was doing to me. But the more degraded the night child became, the more the day child needed to excel, from skiing on the University of Colorado ski team, to being a debutante, to graudating with Phi Beta Kappa Honors, to being named Miss America. I believed I was the happiest person who ever lived. I truly believed that.
1958 Miss America, Marilyn Van Derbur
from Memory and Abuse Remembering and Healing the Effects of Trauma by Charles Whitehead, M.D.
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Sexual Abuse defined as torture:
Under their "15 Steps to Protect Women's Human Rights," Amnesty International includes sexual abuse as torture:
"Victims of rape and sexual abuse and other torture or ill-treatment in custody should be entitled to fair and adequate compensation and appropriate medical care."
"Victims of rape and sexual abuse and other torture or ill-treatment in custody should be entitled to fair and adequate compensation and appropriate medical care."
